Toward a Kinder, Gentler Mensa

By Edward J. Kesgen, Ph.D.

From the October 2006 edition of InterLoc.

Are you interested in establishing a safe zone at local meetings; one where a free exchange of ideas can take place without members perceiving that they are threatened or have to justify their opinions against verbal attack? Have you ever been to a Mensa gathering where the behavior of one or two individuals has crossed the line between being assertive and aggressive? Do you feel attendance at social events might increase if the atmosphere of interaction were kinder and gentler?

I must admit I had some reservations about being a presenter at the 2006 Mensa World Gathering in Orlando. My concern was not due to stage fright, since I am an experienced speaker who has spoken in front of groups much larger than the ones I anticipated at the gathering. Rather, I had seen the contentious behavior of several Mensans at previous local and regional gatherings, and witnessed how poor manners can negatively impact group energy. Apparently others in our organization have had similar experiences.

Observations

My observation was given credence by what I felt was an unusual topic to be presented at a conference attended by enlightened persons. On Thursday afternoon, Dr. Jean Becker facilitated a session entitled, “Problem Members.” Her program description explained the focus of her message: Does your group have a member or two who could use some polishing? Are you having trouble getting or keeping volunteers because of an abrasive member who scares away new or potential members? Come take a crash course on recognizing when to act and what you can and cannot do.

I was unable to attend Dr. Becker’s session, because I was conducting a session of my own during the same time slot. I am confident a person as learned as Jean was able to effectively communicate her ideas. Yet, from my own professional experience it is hard for me to imagine the necessity of presenting such a topic at a gathering of, say, rehabilitation nurses, or dentists, or outdoor adventure educators. How to deal with that colleague who is simply a pain-in-the-butt. Establishing a therapeutic relationship with a caregiver who is obnoxious. On-belay with a putz! I don’t think so. Why, then, in Mensa?

One of the marvelous opportunities presented at a World Gathering or Annual Gathering is ample time to mingle with folks from all over to exchange ideas and engage in stimulating conversation. I found it interesting to chat with fellow Mensans and explore the aforementioned. Is there anything characteristic of the personality make-up of a highly intelligent person that might predispose her/him to behavioral anomalies? As you can imagine, those I engaged had varied opinions, ranging from, “Sure. When you’re dealing with an extreme in the bell curve, many personal characteristics differ significantly from the norm,” to “Yes, we are indeed a group of ill-assorted guards!” Is high intelligence an acceptable excuse for bad manners? Does boorish behavior simply come with the turf?

I did indeed see examples of what I would consider bad manners at the World Gathering. I was a shepherd (a person who introduced the speaker) at a session where the facilitator was advancing some ideas that might be considered highly speculative and even over the top by a skeptical thinker. A gentleman in the audience very respectfully asked the speaker to explain (not necessarily defend) her perspective regarding one of her key assumptions. The questioner was polite, simply requesting clarification. The speaker reacted defensively and told the questioner that she was not here to justify her beliefs, and if he did not like that he was free to leave and go to another session. The gentleman said, “I guess I will,” then stood up and walked out of the room. I felt the speaker was rude and responded with hostility to the inquiry. Why not simply, say, “Explaining in depth why I believe as I do would take more time than I have been allotted in the program. I’d love to sit down with you after the session and exchange ideas.”

In my own session (“Guided Imagery — A healing journey of the mind”) I explained to my audience that during my narration of a trip through an imaginary enchanted forest, listeners would always be in complete control. Should participants feel they were going too deep, all they needed to do was to open their eyes and remain quietly seated so as not to disturb the experience of others in the room. Bustling about, getting up and leaving could easily compromise the relaxed state of those sitting nearby.

You can probably guess what happened. About five minutes into the narration, a man and his wife apparently felt my session was not something in which they were interested, and decided to ignore my request to remain seated and left the room causing considerable commotion.

On the way out, they did not even make an attempt to gently close the door. Several participants seated near the egressing couple looked at me in the front of the room, shaking their heads in disbelief.

End of the World as We Know it?

Are these examples of poor behavior significant enough to alter the course of world events? To change the angle of tilt in the Earth’s axis? Probably not. Are they representative of the type of behavior that can discourage people from attending Mensa gatherings? I think so. As Confucius once said, “The key to happiness is to remove one’s self from the source of sorrow.” When a cluster of people represents a source of sorrow, others will avoid becoming a part of the group. If this has not been your experience on a local or regional level, there is no need to read on. Put InterLoc aside, go have a cup of Earl Grey and enjoy a marvelous day.

But, if what I have said resonates with you on some level, I invite you to continue reading. There are things you can do that will make a difference! As Dr. Seuss once said, “Unless someone like you cares a whole lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

Validation

First, let’s recognize something that may seem contrary to what you learned in Organizational Psychology 101: The key to interpersonal harmony is not effective communication, but rather, sincere and heartfelt validation. I could tell you to go jump in a lake, thereby effectively communicating my feelings for you, but doing nothing for enhancing our relationship with one another. I could communicate to you by my actions that I feel my ideas represent truth and yours are fallacious, but that would not encourage you to continue sharing. I could back you into a corner where you felt obliged to defend your beliefs, rather than simply explain them without fear of judgment. In each instance, my intent would be clear. In each instance, there is little hope for you to feel I would value your presence in this exchange.

How do we operationalize this abstract notion of validation? What practical steps can be taken to establish a milieu that draws people into the fold rather than dissuades them? How do we talk about the elephant in the living room?

At the next meeting of your group, share your perception as LocSec that the gatherings could be enhanced if members were to interact with one another with a greater degree of respect and civility. You may have examples of your own to present for emphasis. Perhaps attendees will even agree by consensus that something needs to be done. With the accord of those present, suggest a Full Value Manifesto be adopted to serve as a behavioral template or public declaration of principles be drafted and placed in effect for future meetings. A hard copy document works best. Such a declaration could even be sent to invited speakers, suggesting to them that they and their ideas will be received with graciousness and respect.

Should a member feel that such a step is demeaning or deprecating in any way, s/he might be able to suggest an alternative strategy for addressing this mutually identified problem. The problem is real! What are you going to do about it?

Put it in Writing

A group could print the document in Lucida Blackletter or similar font, suggesting, semi-tongue-in-cheek, that it has imprimatur authority. What would such a document look like? (See below.)

Any living organism will be drawn to an environment that is supportive of its viability. This is true on a physical, mental and spiritual level. We seek the comfort of a quiet harbor for restoration, strengthening and re-framing our world view.

In a world not always friendly toward those on the upper end of that bell curve, a gathering of the clan can be a balm for the spirit. May your Mensa gatherings be welcoming and affirming. May your Mensa gatherings be a quiet harbor; a refuge from storm-tossed seas.

You may even see guys like me at more meetings.

Full Value Manifesto

In recognition of the fact that each person associated with our organization has an inalienable right to their personal integrity,

And furthermore, that each of the aforementioned is entitled to express their personal values without prejudice or criticism from others,

And furthermore, that the interactive experience at the heart of our time together can be achieved only through the mutual support and respect of those attending …

We do hereby commit to abide by and support the following personal conduct guidelines when assembled:

1. We will respect all of those in attendance and their opinions, tolerating all ideas expressed in free exchange, especially those that differ from our own.
2. We will be empathetic listeners, and respect response pacing/timing as an essential element in the sharing process.
3. We may ask one who is sharing an idea to clarify her/his position, but never contentiously maneuver her/him into a position where the idea must be defended.
4. We will not interrupt others when they are speaking; the opinions of all deserve the same attention and respect as those of any individual.
5. We will above all else respect the dignity of all individuals.
6. Should the need arise, we will remind erring associates of the behavioral guidelines to which we have mutually agreed.

This is a guest diatribe. Don't worry; I have plenty of other diatribes of my own!