I Have It On Videotape

"I have it on videotape" is not much of an improvement over "As is well known".

Folks who make such assertions are attempting to coat-tail on the credibility of an impartial machine, but without the necessity of actually producing the output of that machine.

I have a standing joke with several of my friends:

I have it on videotape. I have a videotape of Jesus giving The Sermon On The Mount. Our Lord speaks in the most beautiful King James English, just the way it says in the Bible. Or is that Saint James? Anyway.

You know, it's just terrible the way that Matthew 7:7 misquotes Jesus. What He actually said was, "Ask, and you might well receive. Don't ask, and I can guarantee that you will not receive." I have it on videotape.

[My actual phrasing of Jesus' remarks, when I tell the joke orally, is somewhat earthier.]

Well, they didn't have VHS in those days, but they sure had Betamax, and I have a copy of the original Betamax of Jesus.

No, I don't have a Beta machine to play my tape on, but you can trust me. I saw that tape, and tape doesn't lie. Those were Jesus' words.

This worked fine for several months, until one of my friends said:

Oh, my parents still have a Beta machine. Can you bring your cassette by their house this Saturday afternoon?

And so I of course responded:

Beta? What was I thinking? It's not in Beta format; it's in Alpha format! Your parents don't have an Alpha machine, do they?

Ever since then, whenever I make an only partially plausible statement, my friends will ask me:

Is that VHS, or is that Beta?